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I am not a football fan by any standard, but even I have been drawn in by all this banter surrounding Arsenal winning the Premier League after 22 years.
As they continue cheering this win, I hope you are using this chance to score your own goals in bed! This version of spouse coming into your bed these days…?
You have possibly never met. If you have not been married at least 22 years – which is the last time Arsenal won the title – then you have also not met the spouse you are seeing this week, breathing and panting Mikel Arteta. Harness it.
Beyond joining them to jump up and down on the sofas in joy, be wise and hit the iron while it is still hot! Marriages that had crumbled and sex lives that were shrouded in cobwebs have a chance at rejuvenation with this football euphoria.
God has finally done it for you. This is the time to even break your husband out of his missionary style monotony and introduce the ‘akapya’ you have always wanted to try.
People are in a good mood, sister; go in for your kill. Because I care less about what happens in football, I had no clue that all this time the memes of that elephant sitting on a tree branch were just that and it was not winning any real trophies.
Well, my friend, that elephant can turn a bright pink colour for your marriage! But to think that literally, for all 22 years that The Observer has existed, Arsenal has not taken this trophy home….dang!
That is a long time. Are you guys saying that the last time Arsenal won the Premier League was when Gaetano Kagwa was in Big Brother Africa showing off his Crown Jewels on continental TV, and upon his return, Bebe Cool composed that song praising Gae and Arsenal in the same chorus (Kyokka Gae, Gae, Gaetano Y’asinga; Kyokka Ars, Ars, Arsenal Y’esinga)?
You are really patient lovers of football. Hope that means you are also patient lovers in marriage; even if the last time you registered any memorable lovemaking is decades ago, your football team has demonstrated that absolute ecstasy is still very much within reach.
Put in the hard work. Twenty-two years is indeed long enough time for some marriages to fizzle and die; enough time for sex to grow lukewarm and eventually cold; enough time for children to be born, grow up and have their own children.
And that is how long it has been since some husbands last tasted happiness or wives tasted real orgasms; but a chance has presented itself. Rebrand. Wear your sexy lingerie and twist an Arsenal jersey on top, and welcome him home with a high kick.
Update your ‘sweet nothings’ dictionary. Tell him the way he dribbles things, Bukayo Saka has nothing on him. And when you go for gooaaaaal…help each other plug into those last tense minutes again, when the referee was not blowing the final whistle and everyone thought they would suffer a heart attack.
Pink elephants have never been much of football fans, but you just might get yourself a herd swinging from tree branches this time!
caronakazibwe@gmail.com
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, https://observer.ug/lifestyle-entertainment/sex-talk-and-the-arsenal-elephant-turned-pink/
